Love. Everyone wants it. Poets write long sonnets about it, singers sing lyrics devoted to it, countless books are written on the subject. How to get love, how to keep love. And how to manage when it's over. Everyone seems to have a different idea of what love is about and what it means to them but when you think about it, a lot of people don't know a damn thing about love. They devote themselves to destroying any love they have, but yet it is love that they seek so desperately. Well, I can't tell you exactly what love is, but I can tell you what it ain't. ~_^ I think that a lot of people try to love others, but they have problems loving themselves, and then can't understand why their relationships fail, not realizing that the journey of love begins within. Some of what I have to share is common sense, other things are lessons we already know....but we just need a reminder now and then. ^_^ ° Love yourself: This is one of the most important things you can possibly do. By loving yourself, you draw positive energy (and people) to you. It makes all interactions in your life all the more smoother because if you love yourself, you're not going to allow yourself to be treated with anything less than respect, and you will treat others in the same fashion. ° Respect others. When you respect others, you also respect yourself. By disrespecting others, you are also disrespecting yourself by your actions.. Repeat this mantra if necessary. ° Anger is not your friend: Once aagin, anger is one of the most destructive things that you can do to yourself. Whatever damage you will do to others/property/etc., it is nothing to what you do to yourself. Everyone has a inner demon that will come out when roused. The important thing is to channel that anger and to turn that powerful negative energy into something positive and productive. Have control of your anger...don't let the anger control you. ° Stop pawning off your baggage on others: You know when you have issues and demons to address. Take care of your own drama; don't depend on someone else to "inspire you" (as in quit smoking, lose weight, go to therapy, detox, etc.) or to "help you" get over whatever you need to get over. Either check that baggage or get help for it, don't drag someone else into your lunatic fringe. Stop blaming your abusive mother/father/sneaky uncle/horrid teacher/whackjob ex for all your problems in life, and either get some professional help to deal and/or take charge of your own life. Which leads to this: ° Über-Dependency is NOT a good thing: I'm not talking about couples who are there for each other in times of stress or problems. I'm talking about human octopuses who will suck the life out of any relationship, and no matter what you do, it is NOT enough for them and unless you are constantly around/calling them/e-mailing them/whatever you just don't love them as much as they love you. Don't fall for that crap. Think about it... people who are on the ball emotionally do NOT want to be your everything. They want someone who COMPLEMENTS their lives, not be their life. That's too heavy a burden for anyone, and if you are persistent in not having a life other than your BF/GF, don't be surprised if they decide they need air and bail. ° The green-eyed devil made me do it: Jealousy is the death knell for any relationship. If you were done dirty in a previous relationship, it does not mean automatically that you will be done dirty in this one. Different people, different circumstances, different you. Get a grip. Now if someone is deliberately doing things that make you go "hmmm..." that's immaturity on their part and maybe you should reevaluate this relationship and your place in it. ° Of Special Note: If you ever find yourself on a regular basis contemplating what picking up a blunt object, locating your significant other and inflicting bodily harm would feel like, it's time for you to pack your bags and leave. If you don't and go through with it, others (like relatives, police) will deal with you. There isn't a man or woman out there worth losing your liberty over. ° When it's over, it's over: No, they are NOT thinking about you, yes, they have gotten on with their lives, and so should you. Take the life's lessons you have learned from that relationship and move on. By not doing so, you waste precious energy that can better be used elsewhere. Rather than brooding about it, keep in mind that they obviously weren't your Mr./Ms Right and rather than wasting your valuable time they actually freed you up so you CAN find that special someone who will appreciate you. ° Trust Your Instincts: Be honest with yourself. You know when something just doesn't ring true, now don't you? ~_^ Generally, when a relationship gets really, really bad you have a lot of indicators along the way that it's not going to work out, but you put on your blinders and ignored it, didn't you! There's love..and then there's complete and utter insanity. Stop your madness, take your blinders off, and listen to your heart. If intuition is telling you something, listen. ° It takes Two to be in a Relationship: If you're the one doing all the giving and the compromising, all day, all the time, and you are getting back absolutely nothing, bail. It will not get better, it will only get worse. Continuing to put forth all the effort ALL the time while getting nothing in return is for masochists. You deserve better. ° Sometimes sharing is NOT a good thing. I'm not talking to people who are serial daters with no commitments and those who have short one night stands or who have standing 3 am calls for some action, because people on the casual trip are more likely to use protection to protect themselves (If they're not, you have no business doing the do with them. Just because they are cavalier with their health doesn't mean you are!). I'm addressing the people who think they are in a monogamous relationship or marriage, find out differently, and honestly believe that they can't do better than this person or they love their mate so much they will but up will all sorts of crap just to have this person in their life. Repeat after me: I am too good for this shit. But then again, hopefully you didn't need me to tell you that, did you? Sometimes you get things you don't want when you share, like crabs...herpes...warts...AIDS. Get the picture? Contrary to what your mate might want you to think, there is not a shortage in women or men, and you can find someone who will treat you a hell of a lot better than someone who does not respect you, your relationship or your vows. If things are so bad between you that your mate feels the need to cheat, he/she should be decent enough to break it off with you first. Otherwise, they are garbage who are NOT worth your time and certainly not worthy of your love. ° A-Romp-A-Dump-Dump It happens to the best of us, and has no bearing on your self-worth. All it means is that someone decided that the relationship wasn't working for them, for whatever reason. If they have valid reasons as to why they broke up with you (drug abuse, infidelity, abuse, etc.) then it's time to trot out your old friend selfintrospection again and take a close look at yourself...not to "get them back" but to be the best person you can be for you, not for anyone else. Because at this point, it's all about you.! ° Zip those lips If the relationship ends on a bad note, don't tell anyone who will listen what a shit your ex was. Your friends know what a clusterfuck that relationship was (sometimes before you do); they don't need a rehash of it every time you get together. As long as you are talking about your ex, the longer your ex will stay with you in spirit. And in cases of bad break-ups, you do not want that sort of energy floating around you because it makes your spirit bitter and unreceptive to any good energy that wants to come into your life. Have a big cry, beat up some pillows, punch some bags, let off some steam, recognize your mistakes in the affair (if any) and move on. Because if you continue to talk shit about someone who is no longer a part of your life, it smacks of "tacky, bitter bitchy!" Think about it: Would you want to go out with someone who had nothing positive to say about any of their exes? If they are badmouthing them, what makes you think they won't do the same to you? Know Thyself. Love Thyself. The rest will come.