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Anterrabre is: |
NFORNAGRAPHY
Monday, April 29, 2002 My grandmere is doing a bit better, but still in hospital. I went to see her on Sunday, not knowing how to feel, or not to feel. I mean, we've been estranged for quite some time now (due to extreme favortism on her part when my sisters and I were young, and also extreme bitchiness) so I went most of all for my mother to give her support. Or so I thought. When I saw her, laying there in the hospital bed shaking with what's probably Parkinson's, I must admit, it unnerved me a bit, and made me more than a bit sad. She told me how beautiful I looked now that I"m an adult (!?) and just hugged me...and all of a sudden, it was like I was transported back to 1975, back to being a little kid, and I wondered why is it that people say things to you when you no longer need to hear them, when they would have made all the difference in the world had they said them at the time you really did need to hear it, but it was okay, apology accepted, even though she didn't speak a word. Sometimes, I guess you don't need any words. And it made me think about how to live life..how you want to be remembered..waht you want you legacy to be. But all of that really doesn't matter now. When I held her, I remembered only the good times I had with her, and for once, the was the grandmother I always wanted her to be..loving all her grandchildren equally. She was so excited when I told her about Kupo being on the honor role. Too bad I'll prolly have to bribe him to get him to go see her, but hey, she did that to herself. Which leaves me hre thinking about where I wan to be when I get to be her age. When I"m that age, I want to be loved. I want to have all my friends around me, all my children, grandkids. I don't want to have any regrets about a damn thing I've done in my life. I want to know that there was nothing that I seeked to do that was left undone, not a place to go that I hadn't went, and above all, I don't want fame, fortune, or glories...because having family and friends around you at that age is a price more valuable than rubies. Too bad it took Gran too late to figure all of that out.*sigh* I realize now why I went out there yesterday. I went out there for me, to make my peace with her. Not for her, but for ME, so I can go on being the type of person I want to be. If anything is to happen to her, my soul is clear. If I hadn't gone, it would have been like a boil that was never lanced. Sometimes, forgiveness can be a very selfish thing. Because when I look at her, I know she wishes that everything could have been different. malkavians carried london away @ 08:27 PM CST Saturday, April 27, 2002 Well, I got home tonight after a nice day out with Ronin and Kupo, only to find out that my grandmother was rushed to the hospital for tests...not a good ending for the day....*sigh* What amazes me is just this evening, my mom called her doctor and he said that all was well with her...GFJ he did on her, if she's still having problems. We'll probably find out more tomorrow. I told my mom her first order of business should be to GET HER ANOTHER DOCTOR, since this one seems to knows fuck-all...My grandmother an dI didn't have the greeatest of relationships, but still, she doesn't deserve this...nobody does. malkavians carried london away @ 11:21 PM CST Friday, April 26, 2002 Well, it' s up, and it was easier than what I thought it would be...but WTF is up with mah links? I stated in my CSS what I wanted them to be, dammit! *pulls out hair* A nappy ending to a very nappy day. malkavians carried london away @ 09:53 PM CST Thursday, April 25, 2002 Designed the layout...people seem to like it. Now the bitch part about it is to figure out the @#%#$%#%^# greymatter templates so everything will go where it's supposed to go...I think I know enough about it that it'll work...it looks like soemthing that is supposed to be so complicated, but isn't. malkavians carried london away @ 11:03 AM CST Tuesday, April 23, 2002 testing...making sure this thing is working...seems to be..now for the designing... london @ 02:25 AM CST |
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